I’ve gone over this in my head numerous times – Why am I doing this? – and each time the answer remains the same: I just want to know I am not alone. If by reading this, I’m able to make even one more person feel less alone on this journey, I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished a small but significant goal.
18 weeks ago my husband and I learned that we were expecting our first child. I’d love to say we were jumping with joy at the thought of being pregnant, but the truth is far from the reality. To put it into words, I was just shocked, overwhelmed and in denial. We weren’t planning on getting pregnant just yet. I think mentally the 27-year-old me was on a very different mission. My husband was overwhelmed as well, and after the initial anxiousness, seemed to be taking it much better than me.
I’ll be honest my first thought when I found out was – Oh! So will I be able to attend my friend’s bachelorette trip? Will I be able to get all the work related to my label done? Will I have to take time off work – because I can’t afford to do that right now!?
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t upset or resentful of the idea of getting pregnant, I was just confused and not sure if I was truly ready for this new role. My mind was all over the place.
We found out at 5 weeks, and nothing really sank in at that point. We only had a blood test as proof. I was hoping the sonography would give me more clarity. Until then, everything seemed like a big blur. At 7 weeks, we went in for our first sonography, I was nervous to the pit, sweating the entire time and then suddenly, there it was on the screen, a little figure no bigger than a bean with a heart beat so loud, it was the only sound that filled the room. At that moment, something changed inside me. I don’t know when the tears started rolling down. In that moment, for the first time, I felt like a MOM. That was my baby. That was a little part of me growing inside.
Suddenly the stresses and anxiety were replaced by a sense of bursting joy. I’d never felt so one with my inner self. But this feeling now brought upon a new set of questions. How does one feel a love so strong for something that isn’t even fully formed? Why does every thought now revolve around this little being? Will I be prepared when the little one arrives? Will I be doing things right?
The last four months have been a roller coaster ride – more questions and few answers. But what I have come to learn and understand from speaking with other moms is that motherhood is its own journey and you can never be fully prepared.
There’s so much information out there and it’s easy to be overwhelmed. But I’ve found comfort in the fact that eventually it will all be okay, and that I’m not alone. There are so many other moms who’ve felt the same things I am and have eventually found their groove. They’ve made it through.
So this is me signing off, and hoping to find my groove soon! Come, be a part of my journey.